Around 4,000 years ago, someone in the ancient civilisation of Sumer heard a joke that was so funny, they decided to inscribe it on a clay tablet.
“A dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I cannot see a thing. I’ll open this one,” they wrote.
It might have brought the house down around the year 1700 BC. But these days historians haven’t a clue about what it means. Humour is deeply dependent on context. Sumer – the world’s oldest civilisation – is now dust and rubble. Of course we can’t understand the nuances of this ancient joke. The mystery makes the story fun.
But you know what’s unsettling? It is when I, someone who is chronically online, come across a joke or a reference which is indecipherable to me. It’s bizarre having to act as an archaeologist, digging around for context, in order to understand something born from the present moment.
Reddit, of course, serves up these little grenades fairly frequently. I had one come across my feed just the other day. It came in the form of a short comic:
This short cartoon was so popular, it quickly became one of the most commented-on and upvoted posts on Reddit.
I found it to be totally and utterly baffling.
Why did the character ‘Haru-chan’ have ears and a tail? Was she asleep in that last panel? Or was she dead? Usually the comment section gives you answers. On this occasion, I only got clues.
Clues, and also a lot of weirdly acute grief.
“You know if you wanted to hurt me you could’ve just stabbed me in the fucking heart,” wrote one person.
“I already knew but this hits hard all the same,” said another.
“My God... my heart…” chipped in a third.
But it was this comment I found to be the most baffling:
“I'm not a player, so this comic is how I found out. RIP to the horse”
WHAT horse?!
The fact that thousands of people immediately knew the reference, and felt no need to explain what was happening, just added to my confusion. Clearly an important cultural moment had happened, and I had missed it. Was this a sign that my own relevance was slipping? I turned 37 today. More than ever I must be vigilant to not become someone who asks teenagers to explain memes.
Thus I was forced to do some investigating. This story involves cartoons, video games, fan heroes and shit race horses. Like so many insane cultural phenomena, it begins in Japan.
Back in 2018, an anime called “Umamusume Pretty Derby” was released. Nothing I write will be funnier than the show’s actual blurb, so here it is:
“This is a tale of a world where "horse girls"; with glorious names and incredible running abilities live alongside humanity. Horse girl Special Week has moved from the country to the city to attend Tracen Academy. There, she and her classmates compete to win the Twinkle Series and earn the title of "The County’s #1 Horse Girl.”
Reading that blurb is, I imagine, what having a stroke feels like.
Yes, those are all words that I understand and have encountered before. But why do they read like someone has eaten several My Little Pony fanfictions, gone for a jog, and then thrown up the half-digested sentences?
It says a lot, but tells me very little. So, because I am a serious journalist, I tracked down the anime and watched a couple of episodes.
Sure enough, a horse girl who is named ‘Special Week’ leaves rural Hokkaido to join the Tracen Academy (a big school essentially) where she studies and competes in lots of races. Special Week has horse ears, a big glossy tail, and a moderately-perverted trainer who is obsessed with her strong legs.
Before you ask, yes, this is ostensibly a children’s show. But there is something lightly horny about the whole thing.
The anime was relatively successful, but didn’t really become a phenomenon until it was turned into a mobile videogame. Umamusume Pretty Derby was an immediate hit in Japan. In the game, players got to pick a horse girl, train her, and then help her race to victory.
The game’s blurb says:
“Up to 18 Umamusume compete in races against each other for first place. And of course, stick around after the race to support the victor during a dazzling winning concert! Whether on the racetrack or the stage, raise the roof to each exciting new performance!”
Okay, I genuinely don’t know where that stage performance stuff came from. But fine. They’re horse girls and also pop stars for some reason. We’re already suspending disbelief, so let’s put a beret on this swaying tower of hats.
While the game has been popular in Japan for some time, it was only released in the west earlier this year. Umamusume Pretty Derby quickly became a global success.
Though there are 18 horse girls you can choose to train, one of the most popular playable characters was the chronically upbeat Haru Urara. Yes, the same Haru-chan featured in the comic.
Now, it transpires that all the characters in the Umamusume Pretty Derby are based on real race horses, and their personalities. Haru Urara was a much-loved thoroughbred with a terrible record. In her long career, she had 0 wins and 113 losses.
But Haru’s uninterrupted losing streak — combined with her inexplicable metamorphosis into a pink-haired anime girl — made her a cult hero.
Last week, at the good old age of 29, she died from a bout of colic, and the internet mourned. Fans even created artwork depicting her death in her anime guise. Which explains the comic I stumbled across that forced us all onto this utterly pointless journey of discovery.
Sometimes, I suppose, the mystery may look enticing, but is ultimately not worth knowing.
But here we all are anyway.