The Olympic athlete who was TOO genetically blessed

Also, an update on the Drug Games

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re a French Olympic athlete. You’re in peak physical form, competing at the highest level of your sport, in front of a home crowd. 

This was the reality for Anthony Ammirati. 

He’d overcome a grade one tear in his abductor muscle to make the team – and now was his time to shine. 

Ammirati was in the Group A division for pole vaulting. To progress to the next round, he needed to clear his target jump of 5.7 metres. He’d already failed his first attempt and had just two more chances. If he couldn’t clear the jump, his Olympic dream would come to an end. 

The world was watching. The French home crowd was on his side. 

Ammirati lined up the jump, ran, and sailed over the bar. He’d made it with room to spare. For a moment he was suspended victoriously in mid-air. But then, as he fell back to earth, disaster struck. 

Ammirati’s large penis knocked the bar over.

Had he a much smaller, thinner penis, perhaps this sporting tragedy wouldn’t have occurred. But no. Ammirati had been cursed – cursed! –- with a large shlong. The slow motion replay showed in excruciating detail precisely what happened. 

Apparently you can be too genetically blessed. 

Ammirati had one more attempt, but in the final jump his knee brought the bar down. He came 12th in his group and did not progress to the next round. Nonetheless, the young Frenchman had the profound achievement of being an Olympic athlete to his name.

That’s not what he’ll be most remembered for.     

Now, on one hand I’m very sorry for Ammirati. I’m sure this is embarrassing and strange. The world is suddenly fixated on his body in a manner which undermines his hard work and achievement. 

You know who can sympathise with this? All of women since forever.   

But while I’m keeping this in mind, I hate to admit that I find headlines like this are a little bit funny:

For a loss, this sure does look like a win.

But for all there’s been the occasional amusing penis-related mishap, I’m sorry to say I’ve been a little bored by the Olympics. It’s more of the same, really. Obscure sports and athletes with so much PR polish there’s not a smudge of personality besmirching their shiny exterior.  

But don’t worry, we’re a bit closer to the more interesting version of the games happening. 

Remember when I wrote about the Drug Olympics earlier this year?

Businessman Aron D’Souza wants athletes to go buckwild on illicit substances and see what happens. He’s started an organisation called ‘The Enhanced Games’ which will pay out cash rewards for world records. 

Enhanced Games promo image

Retired silver medalist James Magnussen is the only athlete who has publicly signed up. He said for a $1 million bounty on the 50m freestyle world record he’d “juice to the gills and break it within six months”. 

But could we see more names joining that list soon. Staffers from The Enhance games have been sent to Paris to canvas for more recruits. Apparently, they’re not short of people willing to sign up.  

"We have had thousands and thousands of athletes register interest with us, we have negotiations with many," D'Souza recently said in a chat with AAP.

The Doping Olympics – which D’Souza hopes will bring about a new age of super-humans – is slated to run in 2025. The exact medical regimes and exactly what the athletes will be paid should be announced in an launch later this year.

"The reality is, the fastest people in the world won't be at the Olympic Games, they will be at the Enhanced Games," D'Souza said. "Athletes and broadcasters too recognise that – who's going to want to compete at the old slow Olympics?".

Who indeed.