The loudest generation

Not politically. Just… literally.

If I’m being honest, I think all this generational warfare stuff is reductive and stupid. It’s a lazy distraction technique. One which, annoyingly, seems to be working.

Gen Z are entitled because they want a healthy work life! Millennials are entitled because they were given participation prizes! Boomers are entitled because they expect unreasonable tax breaks!

Gen X? Oh right. I forgot about them.

But while all this squabbling is going on, big international corporations keep hoovering up our natural resources, kicking our dogs, pushing our grandmothers in the dirt, and then flipping everyone off.

Really, we should start paying attention to that. Yes, yes. Myself included. But it’s all a bit complicated, isn’t it? Perhaps I could muster up thoughts on fairer taxation on multinational companies. Do some research. Write some stuff. But goodness that sounds like a lot of work.

And we don’t like hard work, Millennials. It really was all those participation prizes. It spoiled us like fruit left in a hot car.

So this week, instead of writing about anything important or meaningful, I’m going to start a pointless fight with baby boomers. I shan’t apologise. By subscribing to this newsletter, you’ve enabled me. And this week I’m irritated by baby boomer phone etiquette.

As someone currently living in Bowral, I’ve become an expert on this topic. Baby Boomers seem to outnumber the rest of us ten to one here. At this point they should just fence off the Southern Highlands and make it a free-range retirement village.

Of course this isn’t a problem in a general sense. But it does mean I can’t get on a train, sit in a cinema, or eat a meal without witnessing some appalling phone manners.

Just this weekend I was enjoying a quiet, contemplative coffee, when three people sat down at the table next to me. I quickly surmised this group of friends, all roughly in their 70s, were having their weekly catch-up.

It was a subdued affair, until one of them got a phone call. Only it wasn’t a phone call. It was a FaceTime call. Which means the entire shop was included in the conversation.

“Mary, I just wanted to know the name of the hotel we’re supposed to be booking today?” The person asked, her voice distorting through the speakers.

“Wait I can’t hear you,” Mary said, fumbling with the buttons on the side of the phone. “Say that again.”

“WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE HOTEL WE’VE BOOKED AGAIN?” the caller repeated. She wasn’t shouting. Mary had just found the volume button.

“OH IT’S THE MANTRA,” Mary did shout.

“AH, THAT’S RIGHT,” the caller replied, her voice bouncing off the walls. “I HAD FORGOTTEN.”

Mary’s arms had grown tired at this point, so she put the phone on the table and hunched over its screen. Her friend, unperturbed by the fact she was talking to the underside of Mary’s chin, continued the conversation.

They talked for quite some time. About discounts, Mantra memberships, and booking dates. None of these things required a face-to-face interaction. I snuck a look at Mary’s coffee companions, expecting them to be embarrassed. Neither were concerned, because they’d retreated into their own phones.

When the call wrapped up I expected some peace.

That was not the case.

What followed was a show-and-tell session of videos played at full volume. A cat swiping a glass off the table! A tour of their new car! THEIR GRANDKID PRACTISING THE TRUMPET FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE A VERY LONG TIME.

I finished my coffee and left.

This scene has played out more times than I can count. But why? Why are so many boomers incapable of using phones like a normal person? How can they be so oblivious to obvious good manners?

But I have a solution. One that I’m sure will please everyone.

Free headphones!

Free headphones and a lesson on how (and why) you should use them to every person over the age of 60.

The world still won’t be perfect. But at least it will be a little quieter.