Pauline Hanson’s Picks

Rumour says Barnaby Joyce will be the next politician to join One Nation.

If you’re trying to get the measure of a person, sometimes a good place to start is with the company they keep.

If a person has friends who are smart, kind and interesting, they’re likely to also be a good companion. Conversely, if they are often socialising with criminals and idiots, you should question their judgment, watch your wallet, or perhaps both.

But what if you meet someone who has closely associated with, rapists, sexual deviants, drunkards and the financially insolvent? Well, then you might be in a room with Pauline Hanson.

It sounds bad when you list it out like that, doesn’t it? Probably because it is bad. Appalling even.

Unfortunately, the political controversies come in so thick and fast these days, it’s hard to keep track of them all. So let me refresh your memory of some of the colourful characters who have been endorsed or employed by Australia’s foremost judge of character, One Nation’s Pauline Hanson.

Firstly, there’s Rod Culleton. He was a short-lived Western Australian One Nation senator who was kicked out of Parliament and eventually referred to police for failing to declare his bankruptcy to the Australian Electoral Commission.

To be fair to Culleton, he says the bankruptcy wasn’t legally binding, because he didn’t file the paperwork. Unfortunately for him, the legal precedent of ‘Peekaboo!’ (whereby if an individual can’t see something, it does not exist) was not accepted in court.

And then there was Sean Black – the convicted rapist who was sentenced to five-years in jail back in 2018. That’s pretty serious stuff. But not so serious that One Nation didn’t think he was fit to run their Federal campaign this year. Did I mention that during sentencing, the Judge specifically mentioned Black’s lack of remorse for his crimes? He sounds lovely! Office culture is so important these days.

But arguably one of the biggest political stories of the year has been former leader of the New South Wales branch of the One Nation Party, Mark Latham, having (yet another) almighty fall from grace. In a 13-page sworn affidavit Latham admitted that he defecated on his ex-girlfriend Nathalie Matthews, but maintains it was her idea. I once thought that sex with Mark Latham was about as degrading as it could get. I regret that my imagination has been forced to expand.

But there’s another person who might soon be joining the world’s worst boy band. None other than the former Nationals Party leader Barnaby Joyce.

Ah yes. Barnaby. Where to begin with the man who was once the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia?

How about we start with his voracious opposal to gay marriage? Back in 2017, Joyce was one of the loudest ‘no’ campaigners – his reasons were varied. Joyce was worried Asian countries would think Australians were “decadent”, he said marriage was “inherently there for the support of” children, he wanted to maintain traditional values.

As it transpired, his concerns about the sanctity of marriage might have all been a bit of projection. Less than a year after same-sex couples could be wed, Joyce’s relationship with his long-suffering wife spectacularly failed.

Getting your much-younger staffer pregnant will do that.

Can’t blame that one on the gays.

But Barnaby Joyce is an honorable man. His affair partner Vikki Campion was pregnant, his reputation was in tatters, and there was only one thing to do. And that’s imply that the baby might not be his in an interview with Fairfax. Joyce said the paternity was “a bit of a grey area” but would “still go through this” anyway.

What a gentleman!

For what it’s worth, Vikki Campion married him anyway in a selfless demonstration of the sunk-cost fallacy.

But sure. Barnaby is a cheater, and yes a six-month investigation into a sexual harassment claim against him was found to be ‘inconclusive’. Also, he’s been openly drunk in Parliament more than once, but… actually there is no but. Those are just things we know to be true.

Although, while we’re talking about the drunkenness, it’s remiss to not mention that video from last year, where a totally obliterated Barnaby Joyce lay in the middle of a Canberra footpath, slurring and swearing into his phone.

He’s quit alcohol since then, apparently. Too little too late. Joyce has chewed up, spat out, stamped on, and set fire to his own reputation. I wouldn’t want my name on the same restaurant waiting list as him.

Pauline Hanson clearly has no such qualms. By all reports, Barnaby Joyce has left the National Party so that he may join One Nation. Some insiders are even saying that Pauline Hanson plans to eventually hand over the party’s leadership to him.

Given all of the above? I can think of no better candidate.