Living, apparently, does come at a cost

A guide to saving money

Boy howdy I sure do wish I had a dollar for every time I heard about the “cost of living crisis”. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be fossicking through my local IGA fridge searching for discounted microwave meals like a possum that’s stumbled across an open garbage bin.

That’s the tricky thing about the modern world, isn’t it? Living does come at a cost. We can’t just be happy wads of pond scum, chilling out in stagnant water, making food out of light or whatever. No, that’s a privilege reserved for cyanobacteria.

Your stupid ancestors had more complex energy needs, and now we all have to go to offices to purchase time on this increasingly hot, troubled sphere.

It’s tough out there, isn’t it? But I’m here to help. Here are some clever money-saving hacks to help get you through the week.

1: Get a side hustle!

In Les Misérables Fantine found the time to sell her hair while being a prostitute and managing fatal tuberculosis. So what’s your excuse?

These days you don’t even have to wait for your hair to grow a suitable length to satisfy the poxy wigmaker — you can just hop on your phone and start working for Uber or Uber Eats (depending on your level of desperation).

Assuming you don’t get killed on your little scooter while delivering McDonald’s to some hungover fuck in the pouring rain, you could probably make enough extra money to eat out every now and then.

And if you don’t…

2: Stop eating out!

Want a break from whatever bulk-made gray fucking slop you’ve been gobbling up like a depressed little piggy? Tough!

Variety might be the spice of life but you, my friend, are a long way from the Silk Road.

It’s frozen vegetables, some kind of minced meat, and the sense that life isn’t really working out how it’s supposed to.

I mean, weren’t we meant to derive some pleasure from existing? Isn’t enjoying a good meal a fundamental tenet of humanity? What else will we eventually have to sacrifice? When will it be enough?

Don’t despair. Instead, have you instead thought about…

3: Buying stuff in bulk!

Why you can buy all kinds of things in bulk! Toilet paper, washing liquid, hand soap. It turns out all the most boring purchases you make in a week can be bought in quantities much larger than you actually want them.

So Instead of spending $15 on detergent you need to keep your clothes clean and hygienic, you can spend $25 and have it last almost twice as long.

Then, every time you go to use the washing machine and wrestle with the heavy, unwieldy bottle, you can ruminate on how you were forced to buy more detergent than is actually practical in order to save money.

But it’s not really helping, is it?

Bulk detergent won’t help you retire well, or buy a nice house in the suburbs. You’re just nibbling at the crust of an enormous shit sandwich you’re still pretending is a sausage sizzle.

It’s getting harder to keep the pretence up, but even harder to address the problem. You’re scared. If you look at the sandwich, really know the largess of that turd, you might not ever be able to take one more trepidatious bite again.

But, God help us all, the crust is disappearing. The turd is getting ever closer to your lips. What next, you ask?

What next?

Who knows, haha! But I sure hope I’ve given you a few fun tips which will help make the next rent payment to your rich landlord a little easier.

Have fun being thrifty!